I often get asked, “Where can I go for sex help? Should I get a sex therapist, a love coach, a sex coach, or just go see my doctor?” Unfortunately, there’s so much your parents never taught you about sex, and there’s even more that wasn’t covered in human biology class. For instance, nobody ever taught you that sexual compatibility is important, or that anal sex doesn’t have to hurt. Most importantly, they never taught you that it’s a natural experience for your sex drive to have highs and lows. In fact, most of the details that we eventually do or do not learn about sexuality and sex drive come from trial and error. For those of you who are ambitious, you also get answers from late-night Google searches. However, most of us yearn to have the best sex of our lives.
We fantasize about great sex and daydream about being amazing lovers, but in reality, for many people, sex simply isn’t all that fantastic.
Sexual Beasts Aren't Created Overnight, it's Actually a Learned Behavior.
However, the desire to have sex and be sexual with another person is a natural impulse, but fantastic sex is not. The skills to be open enough to enjoy it, but to also be knowledgeable and confident enough to become a great lover do not come naturally. These are learned skills. Does an award-winning tennis player wake up one day and just watch a how-to video, and instantly transform into a top ranked player? Did Michael Jordan pick up a basketball and overnight become the basketball sensation that he came to be? Absolutely not; he had coaches, and spent thousands of hours in practice. A superstar is not born overnight, and if you want to be known as a sexual god it is no different. Sometimes you need a coach!
How Does Someone Become Comfortable & Confident During Sex?
Sometimes you need a coach because sex skills are actually hard to come by! Sex can be awkward. It’s hard to feel comfortable and confident because so much of what we were taught about sex has to do with shame.
Growing up as a devout Christian, in my household, we were taught that Christian sex is a sin until you’re married, and then once you say “I do”, all of the thoughts of shame that were drilled into my head should be replaced with feelings of duty and commitment. If only things were that simple!
Hold on...Sex Can be Amazing!!!
So, it could actually be that simple!? In reality, sex can be amazing and fantastic when you are comfortable, confident, and aware of what you like! So, when you find yourself in a situation or a relationship where sex is or has become a drag, that’s when you need sex help, and a love coach or a sexuality coach comes in handy. Your physician barely spends 15 minutes with you, and you’re pretty certain that he or she has their own sexuality issues, so you don’t ask them. You don’t think it’s serious enough for a sex therapist; every time you do search Google for sex help, you get porn or a 21-year-old, non-professional YouTube Vlogger; and books you’ve tried to read about sex makes it all seem so straightforward and easy, but it’s not.
When Might You Need a Sexuality Coach?
If you want to have mind-blowing orgasms, in addition to have fulfilling instead of empty relationships. If you desire to help your partner become a better lover, connect with them in new ways and on new levels, and become a sex-god or goddess, you are in the right place. In addition to acquiring the knowledge, please know that there are professionally trained sexuality coaches on stand by and ready to help. These are a few examples of when you absolutely should consider a love coach or a sexuality coach. Never suffer in silence.
The Perfect Couple With The Not-So-Perfect Sex Life - May not be a Sex Drive Issue:
For example, one of my first sexuality coaching clients was a newlywed couple and represents a large number of the married community. They met long distance and dated for three years before Jack asked Shanita to marry him. They were so in love and had such amazing chemistry—except when it came to anything sexual. I got goosebumps when I looked at their wedding photos and saw all of the family and friends who came together to sanction their marriage; on the surface, they looked like the perfect couple. However, in reality, they were eight months in and they suffered silently. Although Jack felt as if he was a proficient lover, because he had a number of sex partners in the past, Samantha was a virgin, and didn’t enjoy sex with her husband at all. So, what was their problem?
Why is Sex so Taboo?
In conclusion, they suffered because sex is so taboo in most cultures, the only things that you ever learn about it is 1) How to protect yourself from STIs; 2) How human reproduction takes place; 3) What happens during a woman’s menstrual cycle; and 4) How important birth control is. As a result, we end up sheltered, misinformed, frigid, and confused when it comes to sex. Sex is as natural and important to life as breath, and unfortunately, it is forbidden to teach anything useful about it. So people turn to friends, Google, porn, and self-help books in an attempt to get it right.
What's the Solution For This Couple?
Above all, as a love and sexuality coach, I was able to help Shanita relax, get in touch with her sexual side, find pleasure within the pain of sex, to empathize with Jack’s sexual desire, and to connect sexually and spiritually with Jack.
Like many others, Jack learned and mirrored his sexual skills from countless hours of watching porn. I was able to coach him to understand and respect where his wife’s hang-ups about sex came from, and he successfully unlearned most of the skills he had acquired from watching so much porn. He stopped penetrating his wife using the jack-rabbit technique, and he learned to swirl his hips and penetrate only when his wife was ready. He became an amazing lover from Shanita’s point of view.
The BFF Couple Without Any Sexual Chemistry - Plus One Has a Low Sex Drive & the Other Has a High Sex Drive
After years together, some couples remain best friends; they post of social media, “I married my best friend!” They may be best friends and confidants, but most of the time, the passion is lacking. To illustrate this, think back to high school relationships. What was the ultimate form of rejection for a pubescent teenager?
I remember the first time someone said it to me. His name was Ken K, and I was smitten. It felt so right—at least to me; but then he said the words to me, and I was crushed. “I think of you as one of my best friends.” It meant, “I really do like you, but I don’t have any physical attraction towards you.” That’s what it meant then, and sadly in the couple’s space, that is what it still means today. Take a poll at work: Would you want to have sex with your best friend? I bet over 70% will tell you no.
You Aren't Sexually Attracted to Your Best Friend!?!
Passion, desire, and your sex drive are fueled partially by novelty and anticipation. You know everything there is to know about your best friend/bff, and that’s why it’s hard to even think of them in a sexual way, so your sex drive starts to suffer. This is the same phenomena that occurs during long-term relationships that are no longer infused with sexual passion. In other words, you simply are not all that attracted to your BFF.
Dopamine Fuels Passion
When we look at the brain chemistry or a person passionately and romantically in love with someone, the hormone dopamine takes the lead. Dopamine fuels desire, and is at it's highest point if there is mystery to fuel the passion. Science tells us that the more mystery we have, the more he/she is sometimes unavailable, the more someone seems preoccupied elsewhere—oddly enough—the more into them we actually become. It’s the science of love and passion. In other words, your brain is hard-wired to long for someone who is distant, aloof, and unavailable. So ask yourself, 'how can I create a little dopamine in my current relationship?' The passion, the dopamine, and the desire are all important parts of your sex drive.
So, What’s the Solution?
As a long-term couple, in order to bring your sex drive back to where it used to be, you 1) Have to make the issue a priority to resolve. It’s easy to ignore it as it is now the elephant in the room; 2) Make sure your partner is on board and wants to grow sexually too; 3) Must make sure that neither one of you have any medical issues that might interfere with your sex drive; 4) Strategize on how to infuse novelty, excitement, and mystery into the relationship; 5) Change your approach to intimacy and sex; 6) Implement new sexual strategies, and admit that what you were doing in the past, did not work; and 7) Give yourselves a sexual make-over.
What is a Sexual Makeover?
Ultimately, most couples will need a sexual make-over if they stay together long enough. It’s too easy to end up bored with sex, or worse yet, to have bad sex.
A sexual makeover is what one of my favorite love coaching clients needed. They had been together since the age of 18, and by the time 35 hit, they were basically living as roommates and besties. They loved each other very much, still had fun together, but had been living in a sexless relationship for the past 10 years. I put them through my twelve-week coaching program and their relationship successfully transformed from one of just holding hands and watching TV to one that was full of passion, foreplay, and connected sexual experiences.
A Sexuality Coach Holds You Both Accountable
Knowing the steps to transform your relationship is one thing, but most couples need a coach to help pull off a sexual makeover. in order to change. The coach will hold you both accountable, and help you both to reframe the situation. Your love coach and sexuality coach helps you look at things differently, and gives you permission to be who you want to be sexually. Your love coach and sexuality coach discreetly gives you valuable information, makes specific suggestions, and then follow up with you to ensure success.
When One Has a Low Sex Drive & Never Wants It, But The Other Has a High Sex Drive, & Wants it All the Time:
Sexual success is important. When your sex drive feels off, it's a scary thing because nobody ever mentions that your sex drive is fluid, and that it has highs and lows. Nobody is a sexual beast 24 hours a day, seven days a week. For both men and women, your sex drive is influenced by everything. It is what you eat, how much sleep have you gotten, your stress level, your hormones, your level of happiness, your environment, your screaming kids, your chaotic life, your relationship with the person, and your health. Your desire for sex ebbs and flows like the ocean tide, and that is 100% normal. Unfortunately, sometimes you may end up with a partner and the two of you have discrepant sex drives. One wants it all the time, and the other rarely wants to at all.
Understand Where He/She is Coming From:
A discrepant sex drive can confuse you. What’s important to understand about the person who wants it all the time, is that they usually define themselves through sexual experiences. Sex oftentimes makes them feel like a king or a queen, so when they end up in a situation where they are no longer allowed sexual expression, they change. Their attitude towards their partner changes, their ability to perform at work changes, and they start to feel trapped. It is also important to understand a few things about the person who rarely wants to have sex. The partner with the low sex drive usually has no idea how important sex is to the other person. As a result, they often times make up excuses to avoid sex, and in most cases, they feel justified to do so.
Low Sex Drive Meets High Sex Drive : Compromise is NOT the Answer!!
On the surface, this appears to be a simple problem with a simple solution. If their sex drive is discrepant, meaning one partner has a high sex drive, and the other has a low sex drive, it seems natural that compromise on both parts would be the answer. After all, we are taught that sacrifice and compromise is the main ingredient of a successful relationship. Unfortunately, compromise can actually worsen the situation. The partner with the low sex drive starts to feel bullied into sex and the one with the high sex drive resents the fact that they had to compromise too. The real solution requires a shift in the thoughts and attitudes surrounding sex. They both have to understand the origin of each other’s sex drive, empathize with each other, and make a commitment to change.
Get Help Now Instead of Later
This type of transformation is always easier said than done. Most of these couples have already started to turn away from each other. The partner with the high sex drive may look outside their relationships for sexual gratification and validation. This leaves the partner with the low sex drive feeling isolated and confused. By the time they finally reach out for help, sometimes it is too late. Often times, one person is fed up and doesn’t want help. They are no longer interested in an intervention, and they have simply decided that they would rather leave the relationship instead.
When is it Too Late to Get Help?
You need to reach out for an intervention before things get too bad. The anger and resentment set in and spreads, and the one who suffers actually starts to feel as though the other is purposefully hurting them. Your love coach or your sexuality coach is here to help take you through the process of discovery. Travel into the light and enjoy a balanced sex life. It’s never too late to try to breathe life into your relationship.
How Do You Find A Sexuality Coach?
The Dr. Rachael Institute trains individuals to coach you through your sexuality concerns. We are the #1 Sex & Love Coach Training Program in the world, and our certified sexuality coaches pride themselves on keeping families together. If you find yourself in need of a sexual makeover, a love coach, or sexuality coach, we are here for you. Tell me more about your needs, and one of our trained professionals will get right back with you.
I’m glad that you have decided it’s time to take control of your sexuality, and it is a pleasure to continue to keep families together.
Who is Dr. Rachael?
Dr. Rachael Ross, M.D., PhD is a sexologist, family physician, and founder of The Dr. Rachael Institute, the number one online training program to certify sex/love coaches. Dr. Rachael served as a cohost on the syndicated talk show The Doctors for three consecutive seasons. She continues to offer daily motivation and prescriptions for life through various media outlets.